"...and, by the dog, gentlemen of the jury---for I must tell you the truth..." --Apology, 21e

Sunday, December 23, 2007

For the Future of Mankind!

"Jamie Lynn Spears: Mom-To-Be
An astrological look at her parenting potential
Jamie Lynn Spears rocked the entertainment world with a shocking announcement this week -- that the 16-year-old Zoey 101 star is 12 weeks pregnant. Being a mother at such a young age is definitely a disadvantage, but what does Astrology say? We took a look to see if the younger Spears would fare better or worse than big-sis Britney in the parenting department.
Jamie Lynn was born April 4, 1991, making her a fiery Aries. She's likely to be impulsive and headstrong, which may explain how a girl with such a close example of what not to do could find herself in such a predicament. It also could mean the decision to keep the baby was hers alone, and what Mom Lynn or boyfriend Casey Aldridge wanted might not have mattered.
Those born under Aries can be great parents. They're exciting, for one, always inspiring their children to want to experience new things. They are devoted to their children, too, and will defend them to the death if they need to. Aries moms are also excellent multi-taskers, so Jamie will have no problem juggling a career, the tabloids, soccer practice, PTA meetings and Britney's shenanigans.
If the 12-weeks-pregnant line is true, then the newest Spears spawn will likely be a Cancer. Cancer kids are sensitive and shy. Aries parents are loud and proud, and they can get impatient with a child who is reserved. They also have a short temper, and Cancer children are easily wounded. Cancer signs tend to be more nurturing than Aries, too, so this combination could result in a case where the child mothers the parent.
Aries makes a lot of mistakes, but they also learn from them. This trial-and-error approach to parenting, plus the support of her family (well, most of her family) could set her on the right parental track."

- from MySpace Horoscope

Saturday, December 22, 2007

How about that irish pirate link?
I got a new year's party to plan...

will be emailing on the details of LR for ny's.
think we oughta take them by storm.
Huckabee, furries, and all.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

This Morning's Achievement: Two For One

Remaining Achievements: Mongoose Mowdown, Overkill, Steppin' Razor.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

one exam finished, all skulls accounted for.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

After drinking enough beers to stear my mind from
The Lion and The Cobra to Diamondback,
I came across this old bit of fun.

It seems to me that the Germans should
have won the game, given that
Socrates kicks the ball into his own goal.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Christopher Hitchens on C-Span Book TV -
it's 3 hours, but entertaining none the less.


Friday, November 09, 2007

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Happy Rabbit.
Also accepting donations for Annapurna.

Monday, October 29, 2007

To Behemoth in Valhalla!

A toast:

Bar-B-Que chicken to feast on,
all the blonde tabbies you can rape,
a massive tom cat to maul,

See you at the top of the Mountain.

? - 10/27/07

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wednesday, October 10, 2007


He reads Hobbes, plays chess, and drinks vodka.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Brute Shots don't bounce either. But, yes, there is a BeatStick. All hail the BeatStick. And GravLift is the second best anti-vehicle weapon. Next to BeatStick.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Well, you can't duel wield needlers any more. On the other hand,
Brutes are much more vicious in HD. And there's a Beatin' Stick!

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Marmot at the the Top of the World
(well, 12,600 ft., anyway...)

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Friday, July 27, 2007

Dear Soul Winner:

The Bweneum Department of Reclamation and Distribution announces eight new acquisitions in its collection:

Sex, Lies, and ...The Truth / Focus on the Family Films
Kirk Cameron hosts "an entertaining and powerful 30 minute video revealing the hard truths about sex in the '90's."

Learn Gun Safety with Eddie Eagle / National Rifle Association
Seven minute cartoon hosted by Jason Priestley teaching children how things might "have been different if the children had not followed Eddie's gun safety rules."

Facts of Faith / Moody Bible Institute
From the jacket: "Would you believe that heat isn't hot? Steel can float in mid-air? And even the most solid substances aren't really solid at all? In Facts of Faith, you'll watch one million volts of electricity blaze through a man's body. And witness a whole series of sophisticated scientific experiments all designed to demonstrate some powerful spiritual truths, such as, what faith is and how you can have it."

AIDS: What You Haven't Been Told / Jeremiah Films, Inc.
Documentary interviewing scientists, medical doctors, politicians, and gay rights activists. Provides "hard answers to tough questions." "Questions like: Is there such a thing as safe sex? What is the virus and how is it transmitted? Is there a homosexual cover-up?"

Group Shock Wave (Volume 2) / Group Publishing, Inc.
Conversation starter video and discussion guide consisting of six segments: Hot Tub (temptation), Hammered (effects of sin), The Sin Scale (degrees of sin), The Car (redemption), and Rappelling (faith). A bonus segment "Home-Grown" is also included.

What If the Lord Were to Come Right Now? / We Care Ministries
Four lessons "designed to win souls in the home, in the church building, at camps and anywhere precious people are lost." Between segments Larry West directs questions about the message to the viewer in a living room setting.

New Fields Japan: Workers for Christ / BMC Productions
Short promotional film for Unconditional Love Ministries concerning their efforts to bring "the Good News of Jesus Christ" to the Japanese working class.

Prepare for the Future / Christian Broadcasting Network, Inc.
Factory sealed. From the jacket: "Responding to today's startling headlines, Pat and Gordon Robertson provide thought-provoking insight into the war on terror, recent Supreme Court rulings and other prevalent issues. Learn how stunningly current developments relate to biblical prophecy. You will also gain a deeper understanding about God's plan for your life and learn how to meet financial and spiritual challenges in the days ahead.

Long Live the New Flesh!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

When suicide bombings start to interfere
with soccer
, I'd think things would change pretty
damn fast; like turning the mosques into
museums and publicly beheading anyone
who takes religion seriously. Guess its me
who's living in a fantasy world....
fears tha theme

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Memphis Bikini Lawn Care
We retarded.
A Love Letter

Dearest Harlan,

It has been too long since I gazed upon your white goatee, trimmed like a true Southern gentleman; your robust figure, clothed in only the whitest of whites. I can still recall your bola tie, shaped so much like the package you mightily wield in your pantaloons though many times smaller in girth.

Too many days--even seconds--have gone by without the sound of your voice sweetly coaxing me to clean the bathrooms and deep fryer, the drawled stutter eerily reminiscent of a virile Foghorn Leghorn preparing to mount both that dog that always gave him such trouble and the tiny yet determined chickenhawk that he so masterfully played as a fool.

And though so much time has passed, I can still recall the taste of the oils that always coat your body, the taste of seven herbs and spices.


Saturday, July 21, 2007

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Turkys doing it.

Here's one article.
Can't find the one I originally read.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Sweet Mother Of God!
i suppose there are only a few people who may be interested, but i think that i should have everything squared away and moved back to the area in one months time. i know i was supposed to be back in june, but i got laid off and had to pay bills, zat's ze way it goes, eh? doctor J: email your phone number to me and i shall call. all else: beware.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Friday, July 06, 2007

Monday, July 02, 2007

A few things you probably didn't know about Dick Cheney:
  1. Dick Cheney became a conscientious objector during the Vietnam War when recruiters frowned upon his suggestion to "nuke 'em back in the trees."
  2. Dick Cheney once sodomized Muhammad in effigy backstage at the Kennedy Center Honors.
  3. Dick Cheney controls 97% of the world’s supply of Preparation H.
  4. Dick Cheney has at least 11 testicles, but only 4 are on the outside.
  5. In his spare time, Dick Cheney is developing a master race from the children of deported immigrants.
  6. Circles of Hell Dick Cheney has successfully returned from: 6
  7. Dick Cheney lost his left hand in a bar fight on the outskirts of Barrow, Alaska.
  8. Dick Cheney once vomited blood for over two hours straight before a more suitable donor could be found.
  9. Dick Cheney has read every Nancy Drew mystery 5 times.
  10. Dick Cheney has voted a straight Confederation ticket since the 4th grade.
  11. Skeletons in Dick Cheney’s closet: 47
  12. Whole skeletons: 3
  13. Dick Cheney holds the Guinness record for longest underwater bowel movement.
  14. Dick Cheney is only the second person to turn down a hand job from Margaret Thatcher and survive.
  15. Number of lesbians it takes to make one Dick Cheney: 15,205

I present to you: Dyke Cheney

Official PortraitHorsebackChatty


Saturday, June 30, 2007

Friday, June 29, 2007

Last day of the fiscal year.

Friday, June 22, 2007

The pepper plants have sprouted. 10 ornamental cubans, 1 joe parker,
one sunset eclipse, and one sweet. no bhut jolokia's so far but it's still
early. extreme happiness aside, where is the pigeon killing link? I'd take care
of it myself but my internet has already been disconnected and i suspect other
utilities will slowly follow suit over the next 2 weeks.
Ave Habanero.

Friday, June 08, 2007

I'm doing some research for a few paintings and
these are a couple of the pages I have come accross.
Thought the photos were nice.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I don't really have a problem with guns or even freakishly large guns. But letting people rent guns strikes me as odd. And even the faintest hint of the thought of myself renting a gun from this guy immediately sends me into a fetal position the floor, quickly to be covered in my own tears and bodily fluids.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Chris Cornell's new album, found on his MySpace page, includes a cover of Michael Jackson's Billie Jean.


Friday, June 01, 2007

Happy Hurricane Season, Everyone !!!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

As promised, here is footage of my yet to be born daughter:
Annabelle Marie Lynn

Add to My Profile | More Videos
As some of you know, I have enslaved a number of gnomes who keep track of what exactly is going down with this webpage. For one, they tell me what Google searches lead here. Straight from the gnomish mouth:

1. "We will win, Condolezza"

2. dick clit.

3. Wittgenstein and Why Wolves Eat Lambs

4. clits on steroids

and my personal favorite

5. "complete goatse"

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

There are Russian links now. Also other things.
Star Jones is everything to everyone.
who the fuck is star jones

Monday, May 28, 2007


Dear Madam,

I have recently rediscovered your wonderful personal web page. I could compliment you all day about the minutiae of this incredibly adequate site, but I have only so much time in the day for such activities. Acknowledging the many virtues of you and your web page must be left for another day or, perhaps if necessary, a series of days having no not-acknowledging-the-virtue-of-you-and-your-homepage days in between them. Let me then get to the point.

You openly proclaim on the header of your homepage that you are author of the only dictionary that defines 'Star Jones'. I believe this claim to be false. Let me explain to you my reasons for thinking so:

  1. Though I cannot show it to be correct beyond all possibility of doubt, it seems prima facie unlikely that the claim that no one besides you yourself has authored a dictionary that defines 'Star Jones'. We must accept then that unless you are able to provide some strong evidence in favor of your claim, we should [with a looming though appropriate sense of our own fallibility] go on as though your claim were false.
  2. Furthermore, I believe I can prove beyond the need for considering all but the most damning contrary evidence that your claim is false, that you are not in fact the only dictionary that defines 'Star Jones'. Consider that you, though author of many books, has never in fact written a dictionary alone or on a team of lexicographers. That this is so is easy enough to establish. The following web page lists all the books you have ever been involved with in any authorial capacity. [Link] No dictionary is to be found on the list. So not only do you need establish that no one else has written a dictionary that defines 'Star Jones', you must also produce evidence that you are in fact an author of such a dictionary.
  3. Let it readily granted that the list could possibly be incomplete. But as the author of all of the books you have authored, you can without problems correct the list of any such mistakes. But to prove yourself, you must correct not just any mistake [i.e., present just any book authored by you but not on the list], you must also correct the mistake by means of presenting a dictionary authored by you or by a team of lexicographers of which you are one member.

These are the facts. I await your response.

With the utmost collegiality and sternest sincerity, I must take my leave.

Colonel J. P. Bourbon, Esq.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

I don't know how up-to-date this is, but I think
one can't go wrong here:

Request Dirt Cheap on KISS 101.9

You can request to hear Dirt Cheap on Jonesboro's 101.9 KIYS FM!

Tell'm you wanna hear "Call It Clean" or "Hula Hoop" by your boys, Dirt Cheap!

Request Line: (870) 931-0101

Saturday, May 19, 2007

in response to your comment, Mr. Bweneum, things are going great for me at this juncture. sorry i didn't look you up when i was in town, i was just so busy running everywhere. i should be back in the metro either 3rd week of june or 2nd week of july. i just want a certain level of flow before i come back. how's things in your neck of the land?

Friday, May 18, 2007

Had a great (but short) week on the Buffalo.

This is just below Kyle's Landing:

This is just below Pruitt:

Just a bit up river at the Hwy. 7 bridge I caught a nice smallmouth bass
and a bit above that saw a good sized wild turkey.

This is the mouth of the Little Buffalo River, where it runs in
halfway between Pruitt and Hasty:

These two are halfway between Mt. Hersey and Woolum:

I camped here my last night out. In the woods behind my site I spotted
three deer. There was also a family of Ozark Big Eared Bats that live in a cave on the bluff.
I watched them chase the mayfly's and mosquitos while I counted
the stars as they came out. It was refreshing to see some
constellations other than the Big Dipper and Orion.

Saw numerous Cedar Waxwings, Blue and Green Herons,
some Pileated Woodpeckers, two ducks, six snakes,
and lots of turtles.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Things will just never be the same without you, Jerry.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Just in from OB/GYN. We're having a little girl. In Utero footage to follow once i transfer the file. Good Things!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

somewhere in asia.
I think the drinking is slowing down somewhat.
hegel only knows how i'm gonna handle this.
I'm quite fond of planes and nico...

Street Sense won last week,
for those of you interested.

Monday, April 30, 2007

If you don't mind I need your mailing address
again, I should actually be able to mail you your
pteradactyl flashlight and bath slippers soon
and if you don't mind I need to put you on a
loan application.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

I think I can support this.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Bad Kitties
This is obviously the greatest thing ever in the entire history of humanity.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

If Rosie were a college freshman, she'd do poorly on her written work.
"Yeah, but you see it makes things clearer. Because now I know exactly what I have to do."

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dance, horsie. Dance.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Saturday, April 21, 2007

And then someone said, "Hey, let's make a really fucking stupid video." And we said, "ok."

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Anchovies and habaneros:

Sometimes the baby jesus needs to cry.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I just bought 2 tickets to
Old Crow Medicine Show.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

"Pirates don't give up, they fuck shit up!"

- Fellow Cheadle.

Happy Easter Mother Fuckers!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

An OFFICIAL By The Dog Movie Review: Grindhouse

Overall, worth seeing and worth seeing in the theater. Indeed, if you don't see this in the theater, you will being doing yourself a disservice. Planet Terror is great. Death Proof is ok--a bit slow getting started, which really bad when you're already two hours into the movie. The trailers are great. Be ready to be in it for the long run...more than three hours.

Friday, April 06, 2007


Linux laptop is finally up and running, so it's time to put it to use. Newest project requires about 10,000 lesbian pictures. Needless to say, that's a shitload of lesbians, and someone has to go through them to sort out the photos with watermarks and flaws. Anyone interested: feel free to contact me, and I'll get them to you. Note: it would take over 3 hours non-stop to go through them all, although I can't see why anyone would want to; but for the most part you can just browse and delete using thumbnail view.

Just who the fuck comes up with a holiday where you eat lots of boiled eggs?

Oliver Cromwell

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

American politics, like the politics on any country whatsoever, is a perpetual race to the bottom. Sometimes though there are clear winners. So who won the race that is American politics? Who sunk lower than any other politician ever?

Three-time divorcee Newt Gingrinch attempting to impeach a President over a lie about an extramarial affair while carrying on one himself?


Dick Nixon's crime after crime?


George W. Bush's incomptence, lies and desire to put political considerations above even running a minimally functional government and war policy in the not one, but two major wars he is in charge of?


The winner of the race to the bottom is little known, but relatively important Tom Reynolds. The lowest point in American politics and perhaps in any politics, anwhere, ever came during the run up to the recent 2006 Congressional elections. As the more cogizant of you may recall, Republican Congressman Mark Foley was discovered to be a bit of homosexual pedophile with a liking of underage Congressional interns. This obviously wasn't a good thing for an increasingly unpopular political party to face in an election. But add to that substantial evidence that many leaders of said party had been aware of the Congressman's activties for some time, but had attempted to cover it up in an attempt to hang on to his seat in Congress for the party and you have the makings of a landslide election, which of course is how we have enough people in Congress now to actually get a few decent things accomplished.

Back to Tom Reynolds. During said Foley scandal, the standard bit of questioning for those involved, e.g. Tom Reynolds, at any random press conference concerned their role in the cover-up. "Mr. Congressman did you protect that kiddy-diddler?" Doesn't sound good, huh? So how to stop those annoying questions...hmmm...thus, the lowest point in American political history.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Chocolate Jesus.
Sugar Creek Farms
A blog about a farm. There's a lot of pictures.
Palm Sunday, April Fool's Day.
Does it get any better? Oh, wait,
There is a beer in my fridge!
A Sunday Beer!

Now, if You'll deliver the palm tree, the penquin,
and the flamingo I'll start dying the eggs...
Fucking Fuck.

Friday, March 30, 2007

First thing, this post was really going to be good. It has always been my belief that By The Dog should facilitate erudite discourse and compel users toward a higher goal. To that end, my plan was to provide a series of haiku, the words of which would hyperlink to some compelling primary sources: throat fucking, clown incest, zombie porn, and alien rape. The haiku themselves would cover a variety of subjects: the similarities between the phone box from Dr. Who and Barbara Bush's cooze, Dick Cheney's inability to climax without the wrist of a Vietnamese orphan embedded up his anus, Ann Coulter's insatiable appetite for wild boar semen, and the tranquility of Spring as represented through the image of Mel Gibson felching a dog. (That's when you eat your own ejaculate out of someone's ass.) As I warned J, the Internet remains aloof concerning high art. I can't really tell if it was the vomit, the degradation of women, a lack of strong underlying narrative, or just because they don't like fatties, but YouTube members complained (I've told you people before to get off my fucking Internet), and the vids were pulled. They were nice enough to send me a form e-mail stating they considered the uploaded content to be of an "inappropriate nature." So, until I can get footage of myself setting fire to a small child (or something else "classy") I guess I won't be posting on YouTube.
Therefore, today's discussion will be about dick-clits.

Traditionally, the dick-clit is a common theme of the bodybuilding porn community. It seems the same muscle sculpting exercises and steroids that leave men with testicles the size of raisins cause dramatic change in external female genitalia. This is not to say that dick-clits exist solely within this fetish. The Germans have experimented with vacuum pumps for years, ambiguously gendered individuals abound in the porn industry, and female-male gender reassignment surgery continues to improve in accuracy. However, the motif is most prominent among women who look like a mix between Aeon Flux (the cartoon) and Hulk Hogan. The main purpose of the dick-clit is quite simple to comprehend. Males, unaccustomed to the concept of female pleasure, find it much easier to work with genitalia similar to their own. There's no need to worry about the G-Spot when you can just jerk her off. This apparently compensates for the threat that she might turn you over at any second and ass rape you (trust me, she can take you). Finally, it should be noted that dick-clits carry the gay.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

This shit spinning off the attorney scandel is just getting funnier and funnier. Goddamn. Between Gene, Tommy, and Cheep I think we should start a security consulting division and rake in some dough and a little press-coverage, hell, we at least got 2 out of 3.
Damn. (Look carefully.)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Brian Wells, we hardly knew ye, you poor bastard. Yet you were a topic of much discussion among my cohorts in my pizza-delivering days. Soon we shall know all.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

*Kuma Dance*

Over 700 miles in 6 days.
Lake Hogue,
Lake Poinsett,
Parkin St. Park,
Village Creek St. Park,
St. Francis River,
Lake Willistine,
Greer's Ferry,
my Grandmother's pond,
where I finally caught a 4-1/2 in. bream.
Lots of old friends along the way.

*extended Kuma dance*

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

ahhhhh, the joys of night welding. i have a burn the size of a freakin' quarter on my collar bone. stupid slag. one of these days.....

Sunday, March 18, 2007

I just bought my fishing license online. lookout, fishies.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Also, I appear to be unable to alter the template of the blog anymore. This makes me unhappy.
And who the hell is Yup?
The air here is almost clean.

I like the rabbit painting, by the way.
The canvas has a red and black tie and a green visor; working on the
old picture as posted below here. anyhow, a new background...

Thursday, March 15, 2007


Monday, March 12, 2007

Dinosaur Comics and Hobo Soup!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Cancer wants some sushi

Friday, March 02, 2007

Y'all know what it is, so fuckin' crown me.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007